Blinded By the Night

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it”. - John 1:5

As promised, I thought I’d give you, my sweet readers, a glimpse into some of the things I experience with my RP. The good, the bad, the ugly. One of the most frustrating things I think I experience is night blindness.

Not too long ago, someone asked me if I had any fears. I thought long and hard about this... and my honest, childish answer? The dark. I’ve always been “afraid” of the dark. Even at 30 years old, I have night-lights in our hallways and our house lights are ALWAYS on (sorry, Matt). I still hate dark movie theaters and haunted houses as a kid were miserable. Flashlight tag? Heck no. In fact, I vividly remember sitting on the back porch of a friend’s house with her mom and big sister while all the kids my age played flashlight tag. I remember that feeling of exclusion and longing to “fit in” and be “normal.”

The psychology major in me realizes that my fear of the dark is in large part, due to my inability to see at night; I fear what I cannot see. I remember when I was in high school, a group of friends and I went to the movies to see some horror movie (not my genre if you can’t already tell). Halfway through the movie, I had already downed my entire 32 oz. Cherry Coke and I had to GO! Thankfully, getting out of the theater was fairly easy and I left during a brighter spot in the film. Coming back was a different story. I remember standing at the bottom of the steps, thinking “oh sh**, I can’t find my seat....” I just stood there; cold sweat poured from my back, probably through a too-tight, Hollister T-shirt. I was too embarrassed and scared to try and make my way back up to my potential seat. Finally, after what felt like eternity, I just turned around and left the theater. I sent my friend a text message from my Nextel flip phone that said something along the lines of, “Sitting in the lobby-too scared to watch the rest”. At that time it probably read more like “N the lobE, 2 scrd 2 wtch,” for those of you who remember T9 texting. That night, I got mocked by my friends for being a baby but you know what, it beat the hell out of telling them the real reason I was too scared to go back in. I’ve hated the movies ever since.

Let me tell you all one thing though, I LOVE that flashlight app. I could kiss whoever thought of that idea. Embarrassingly enough, I am that person who constantly has my phone near me, but being able to whip out a flashlight anytime? It is magical y’all! I use it all the time. In fact, I use it every night. My husband and I have this sweet routine for putting our son to sleep. Once I rock him to sleep, Matt takes Grant from me and puts him down the in crib because I’m too short to gracefully put him down. After I hand Grant over, I whip out that flashlight and find the doorknob and quietly make my way out of the room. Do you all know how much I would have paid to have that option when I was in high school?! I could have marched right back into that dark-ass theater and pretended it was worth every bit of the $7.50 I paid for the ticket.

There were so many times in college and even in my adult life where I am constantly confronted by my difficulty to see at night. In college, I masked my insecurities at dark parties by drinking away my anxiety and laughed off my clumsiness and spilt drinks, blaming it on my intoxication. On the inside; however, I was mortified because it was simply because I couldn’t see the person out of my periphery in the dim lighting of a college party or bar. I remember one night in particular where my night blindness really got me. Matt and I had been dating for a few months and I was at a dim-lit house party with some friends while he was out of town skiing. I was standing with my gal pals and all of the sudden; a guy walked by and uninvitingly smacked my rear. I was so shocked that I didn’t say anything immediately but at least got out a “WTF” look. After about an hour of stewing, I decided I was going to confront him, with very little liquid courage involved, I might add. I walked right up to him; pointed in his face and confidently said, “don’t ever touch me like that again.” I went to dramatically storm-off and fell right down an entire flight of concrete steps that I didn’t see because it was a dim-lit room. Everyone thought I was “that girl” and fell down the steps because I was so intoxicated but they were wrong. I was humiliated. I ascended the steps with the help of some of my sorority sisters, sporting a badly twisted ankle and an even more damaged ego. The sounds of clapping and laughing only made the tears in my eyes burn more. Thankfully, my sweet friends got me back to campus to Matt who had made it home from skiing and comforted me and my bruised ego and ankle.

In my adult life, I’ve matured some and have come to realize that those who are true friends are okay with helping me. I’ve become more confident in asking for help. My husband is the absolute best to help me out when it’s dark and does it with such kindness and love. As much help as I do have, it still hurts sometimes. I still get frustrated that going to the bathroom at a wedding or in a dark restaurant sends me into pure anxiety mode. Despite these frustrations, I have this beautiful support system around me and I know that it’s okay to be me because I am so much more than RP.

All my love and then some,

Ali