Night Drives

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven” – Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am STRUGGLING with this time change, y’all. I don’t know about you all, but I truly hate daylight savings. If there is a petition to stop it, someone point me in that direction and I will be signing my name at the top of the list!

The reason I hate it so much, you ask? I, like most Americans on the east coast, hate that it is dark at 5:30 PM. Not only does it make me ready for bed at 6:30 PM, it makes me feel incredibly confined. Let me explain.

Last fall, one year ago today, I wrecked my car with my precious child in the back seat. It was my fault; there was no doubt about it and I am still emotionally recovering from that scary morning. That particular morning, I was exhausted; Grant had been up all night (shout out to teething and sleep regressions) and we just so happened to have an 8:15 AM doctor’s appointment. The appointment took TWO HOURS and to be honest, I felt incredibly rushed to get Grant back to daycare and get to work. Matt and I hurriedly parted ways at the doctor's office with a quick kiss goodbye and Grant and I left for daycare. Between sleep deprivation, rushing, and a crying child in the back seat, I missed the first of three red lights at a horrible, local intersection. I was so focused on the second green light; I saw my red light too late. By the time I saw my red light, I immediately felt an intense impact to my driver side and then a second impact right behind it. All at once, my airbags on the entire left side of my vehicle deployed, my child was screaming, glass was shattering, and my car kept saying, “crash has been detected, crash has been detected” over and over and over. I just remember looking in the back seat praying to God my child was okay and started sobbing when I realized he was gracefully untouched by the wreck. I called Matt and he immediately came to the crash site. By this time, paramedics had cleared me to get Grant out of the vehicle. I remember our embrace as a family, praising God we were all okay, while I kept saying, “I could have killed us.” Thankfully, everyone involved in the wreck was okay, and the officer that responded was an angel in disguise. Officer Hipes, if you ever read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you showed to me that day, even as you were doing your job and handing me a ticket.

While I now know this wreck was due to a series of unfortunate circumstances and distraction, it was the first time in my 15 years of driving I had ever questioned my ability to drive safely. While I am still able to drive safely in the daytime, I have made some different decisions as far as night driving goes.

When I first graduated from OT school, I took a job that was an hour and fifteen minutes from home. At this point in my life, I felt resilient. I was in the denial phase of my RP; however, after a year and a half of the commute, I started to realize that driving at night on those curvy roads might not be the best idea. After a lot of soul-searching and praying, I ended up with a job 2.2 miles from my home and 3 miles from my son’s daycare. Even on late days, I am home before it gets dark and it has been one of God’s biggest blessings in my life.

Last October, I really started to realize that driving at night was something I was going to have to give up sooner rather than later. A group of friends were going downtown for dinner and drinks one evening after work. I wasn’t going to go; Matt was working 7 PM - 7 AM at the time and I wanted to be home to put Grant to bed but my sweet in-laws encouraged me to get out of the house for a bit and I decided to go. If I’m being candid, I get a lot of social anxiety going to dark restaurants by myself and add parking downtown at night; you can easily count me out. But, I went. I told myself I wouldn’t stay long and would leave before it got dark; however, by the time we all got settled, it was already starting to get dark and I didn’t want to leave like some Backout Brenda. I sat and sipped my $8.00 Diet Coke ($3.00 soda and $5.00 parking), worry running through my mind. At this point, I decided that I would have to wait because I didn’t want to walk to my car in the dark by myself. As we finished up dinner, my friends dropped me off at my car and it started pouring the rain. The drive home was the most miserable drive I had ever had. My GPS took me some crazy back roads which looked like shiny, reflective sheets of glass, and every set of headlights passing felt like they were bursting directly into my eyes. By the time I arrived home, my hands were sore from the grip I had on the steering wheel. Driving home that night was the last time I willingly drove in the dark. I sat in Grant’s room, rocking him to sleep, head throbbing and tears running down my face, knowing the decision I had before me.

This past March, March 26th to be exact, my husband came home from work sick. After about 7 miserable hours in the bathroom floor, Matt looked at me and said “I can’t do this anymore, I need to go to the ED.” This was right after the dreadful COVID struck, I was sick, and I knew no one would want to drive him to the hospital and he would have killed me if I had called the squad on him. Our friends rushed over to monitor-sit and we whisked out the door. I know that it was pure adrenaline and the grace of God that got us to the hospital safely that night, especially at the speed at which I was traveling. That was the last time I drove at night.

While I do not have doctor’s orders to limit my driving at night, I made this decision on my own. My glare sensitivity has gotten worse recently, making oncoming traffic's headlights extremely uncomfortable. My peripheral vision is diminished at night so changing lanes is more challenging. It is honestly to the point where the discomfort it causes is not worth the anxiety and stress. And, if I’m being honest, I guess I felt like it would be easier on my ego if I made this choice on my own versus hearing it from a doctor. In my heart, I know that if I were to wreck at night, it would feel like my fault, whether it legally was or not. It just felt like the right time and I am slowly accepting that reality.

As the days become shorter, I have found that I have become more anxious thinking about the restrictions that will be in place, limiting my movement for longer periods of time. I am incredibly blessed that my work is so close to home, that my husband now works day shift, and that I truly do not have a need to drive after dark right now. I also know that those moments will come, sooner rather than later, where I will have to think about driving cessation in it’s entirety. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my heart to think about that day. After all, I love my ability to come and go as I please and sometimes, I just take a quick trip to Target before picking up my son from daycare for some alone time just to relish in the fact that I can still drive by myself, knowing that those days will not always be here.

As I go through this journey with RP, I know that there is truly a season for everything in life, including my driving ability. For now, I will do my best trust God in this process, even when days get tough and the darkness lingers, because I know that I am more than my ability to drive and I am more than RP.

All my love and then some,

Ali

Photo Description:

Photo of four lanes of traffic during the night.